It’s that magical time of year again — the season of gratitude, mashed potatoes, and questionable family dynamics. A time to gather, feast, and for the love of all things pumpkin-spiced, NOT recreate a live-action episode of Kitchen Nightmares: Fire Department Edition.
Here’s your guide to keeping your home, your guests, and your dignity intact this Thanksgiving… with just enough snark to make Aunt Carol clutch her pearls.
Turkey Fryers: The Deep-Fried Gateway to Disaster
Listen, turkey fryers are great — if you like your poultry crispy and your garage ashes.
🔥 Golden Rules for Not Becoming a Viral Explosion Clip:
- FRY OUTSIDE. Not in the garage. Not on the porch. Not in the house. OUTSIDE-OUTSIDE.
- Your turkey must be thawed.
Frozen turkey + boiling oil = explosive poultry shrapnel.
- Never fill the fryer while the burner is on.
This isn’t a chemistry experiment.
- Keep kids and drunk uncles 10+ feet away.
Or farther. Honestly, just keep the drunk uncle inside.
Grills & Smokers: The Other Fire Starter Pack
If the grill is your domain, fantastic. Just don’t also let it become the fire department’s domain.
Don’t do this:
- Set the grill against the house.
(Vinyl siding melts faster than your patience.)
- Use lighter fluid like you’re summoning a demon.
- Leave it unattended because “it’s almost done.”
DO:
- Keep a fire extinguisher nearby.
- Clean the grease tray.
- Ensure the propane tank isn’t leaking. That “funny smell” isn’t festive.
Your Stove & Oven: The Real MVPs… Until They Try to Kill You
Thanksgiving is the leading day for cooking fires.
Because apparently, we collectively forget how stoves work once a year.
Avoid setting the kitchen ablaze by:
- Keeping potholders, towels & packaging AWAY from burners.
- Turning pot handles inward unless you want to wear gravy.
- Staying in the kitchen when something’s on the stovetop.
(You cannot “just check Facebook.”)
- Checking the oven BEFORE preheating for forgotten muffin pans or decorative stuff you shoved in there six months ago.
Candles: Because Nothing Says “Fall Vibes” Like an Avoidable Fire
Candles are cute. Candles are cozy. Candles are also tiny torches.
Keep them:
- Away from curtains.
- Away from kids.
- Away from pets with tails of destruction.
- Away from Cousin Eddie who “just wants to see what happens if—” NO.
Or — hear me out — switch to fake candles this year. They look the same, and they won’t burn your house down while you’re arguing about the sweet potato topping.
Electrical Safety: Don’t Plug 17 Things Into One Outlet
Your entire house wiring is not emotionally prepared for:
- A roaster
- An Instant Pot
- A Crock-Pot
- A blender
- A mixer
- An electric carving knife
- A 1970s electric skillet
- Three plug-in scents
- And whatever that thing from QVC is
So:
- Don’t overload outlets.
- Replace sketchy old extension cords.
(The ones that fray when you look at them too hard.)
- If it sparks? Unplug it. Immediately. And bless yourself.
How to Avoid Thanksgiving Family Drama (So No One Gets Stabbed)
Family comes together on Thanksgiving. So do opinions, grudges, and emotional wounds older than the Macy’s parade balloons.
Keep the peace by:
- Banning politics. Make this a holiday, not a cage match.
- Assigning tasks. Idle hands cause trouble — give people rolls to butter.
- Keeping alcohol + unresolved issues far, FAR apart.
- Using the magic phrase:
“We’re not doing this today.”
If all else fails, distract them with pie. Works 90% of the time.
Pets: Preventing Your Dog From Mauling Grandma
Pets love Thanksgiving. So does your mother-in-law, apparently.
Keep everybody safe:
- Keep dogs away from hot stoves & excited toddlers.
- Do NOT feed pets cooked turkey bones — they splinter.
- Don’t let anyone sneak Fido table scraps unless you want puke on the carpet during dessert.
- If your dog is “a jumper,” keep them crated during arrivals.
Grandma’s hip will thank you.
What to Do If Someone Chokes (Because It Happens More Often Than You Think)
Choking is common on Thanksgiving — because we eat like we’ve never seen food before.
If someone starts choking:
- Ask: “Are you choking?”
(If they can answer, they’re not choking — they’re panicking.)
- If they CANNOT breathe, speak, or cough → Heimlich maneuver.
- Call 911 immediately.
- Do not “slap their back” unless they’re bent forward — otherwise you risk driving the obstruction deeper.
Take 3 minutes and learn the Heimlich on YouTube. You might actually save a life.
In Conclusion: Let’s Get Through This Holiday with Zero Flames, Injuries, or Felony Charges
Thanksgiving is meant for gratitude, good food, and only mild emotional damage.
With a little common sense (and maybe hiding the turkey fryer from That One Cousin), you can enjoy a safe, delicious, drama-minimal holiday.
Happy Thanksgiving — and may your house stay un-charred and your relatives un-stabbed. 🧡