Portsmouth was a hotbed of bizarre behavior yesterday, featuring a beverage bandit, a back-alley brawl, and a suspicious set of wheels. Grab your popcorn (but keep an eye on your soda) because this one’s a doozy!
Caffeine Criminal Caught in the Act! Just after midnight at the Speedway on Gallia, an extremely parched prowler tried to pull off the most daring heist of the night—hiding two coffees and two sodas in his jacket. Clearly, he was preparing for an all-night caffeine bender, but an eagle-eyed clerk foiled his master plan. Busted! Rather than make a run for it, the suspect surrendered the loot and left with nothing but a ban from the store. Next time, maybe try a rewards card instead of a robbery, buddy!
Battle at 24th and Waller—Stick vs. Fists! At 2:45 p.m., chaos erupted when two women got into a heated argument that quickly escalated into a stick fight. Witnesses reported seeing one woman swinging like Babe Ruth while the other tried to dodge. By the time officers arrived, the dueling divas had disappeared into the wind, leaving behind only questions and a lingering sense of secondhand embarrassment. If you see a rogue woman brandishing a stick, maybe give her some space!
Mysterious Car Causes a Stir! At 3:30 p.m., a cream-colored clunker with flat tires and busted windows raised suspicions in an alley near Mound Street. Officers rolled up to investigate and found that, shockingly, the car wasn’t reported stolen—just extremely unloved. Adding to the intrigue, a mystery man was spotted lurking around the vehicle but conveniently vanished the moment the cops showed up. Ghost? Getaway driver? Just a guy admiring fine craftsmanship? The world may never know.
Stay tuned, Portsmouth. If today is any indication, tomorrow’s antics will be just as wild!
