You can get arrested in Portsmouth for spitting on the sidewalk. Let that sink in. Not for dealing drugs or robbing a bank—nope. Just a good ol’ fashioned sidewalk spit. You know, like you’re in a Western. Only here, it comes with a citation and possibly a court date.
Portsmouth, Ohio, is full of charm. Great murals. Shawnee State, Industry and Friendly people. But buried deep in the city’s codified ordinances are laws so outdated, so weirdly specific, that they read less like legislation and more like the fevered dream of a town council stuck in 1952.
We’re not saying Portsmouth has gone off the rails—we’re just saying the rulebook still has a section for cannon fire.
Here are four of the most head-scratching laws still on the books.
🤢 1. Thou Shalt Not Spit (Section 521.12)
“No person shall spit upon any sidewalk, street, or public place…”
Look, we’re not pro-spitting. But we are anti-nonsense. And this? This is nonsense. Imagine Officer Friendly pulling up in a cruiser, lights flashing, to write you up for launching a rogue loogie during allergy season. This isn’t a hygiene law—it’s a throwback to the tuberculosis panic era. What’s next? Jail time for sneezing without a handkerchief?
Unless you’re deliberately spitting on people or into someone’s soda can, maybe we could just let this one slide?
🐣 2. No More Tie-Dye Ducks (Section 505.11)
“No person shall sell, offer for sale, barter or give away dyed baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits.”
We’re as against animal cruelty as the next person—but apparently, Portsmouth once had a serious epidemic of rainbow poultry. Did the Easter Bunny go rogue? Was there a black-market peep cartel operating out of Market Street?
Either way, if you had plans to hand out neon-colored rabbits at your next baby shower, tough luck. This law’s got you blocked. Side note: the law bans selling, bartering, and even giving away dyed animals. So don’t even think about trading your glow-in-the-dark duckling for a 2-liter of Faygo. It’s illegal, buddy.
🐕 3. Keep Your Dog Off the Jungle Gym (Section 505.15)
“No person shall permit any dog to run at large on any school property.”
This one’s just weirdly specific. Dogs can’t run loose on school property—got it. But apparently if your German shepherd is sprinting through a church parking lot or doing laps in the courthouse lawn, that’s… less of a problem?
Let’s be real: this law probably came into being after some 1970s gym teacher got chased across a football field by a slobbery Saint Bernard. Still, we already have leash laws. This feels like adding a “no moonwalking” sign next to a “no dancing” sign.
Also, where’s the law banning cats from school grounds? Or squirrels? Or Karen’s emotional support ferret?
💣 4. Fire That Cannon and You’re Done (Section 549.09)
“No person shall fire or discharge any cannon…”
First of all, who has a cannon? And second, what happened in Portsmouth’s past that made someone say, “We better shut this cannon situation down immediately”?
We love the idea that some guy once rolled a full-size field artillery piece into Bannon Park and lit the fuse like it was the Fourth of July and the War of 1812 all at once. And now, we’re all paying the price for his loud decisions.
The kicker? You can technically fire your cannon—as long as you get a permit. So if you’re planning your Civil War reenactment or just feel like asserting dominance over your neighbors during backyard BBQ season, you better swing by City Hall first.
🧠 Final Thoughts (a.k.a. Let’s Get Real)
Portsmouth is a great city with a lot going for it. But buried in the ordinance book are some laws that feel less like policy and more like punchlines. Whether it’s the fear of pastel poultry, panic over phlegm, or an oddly specific beef with cannons, one thing is clear: we’ve got some legal housecleaning to do.
These rules may have made sense once—maybe. But now? They’re dusty leftovers from a different era, kept alive because no one bothered to say, “Wait… do we actually need a law about that?”
And until someone does, don’t you dare walk your dog across the playground… or give away a blue bunny… or spit… or fire a cannon.
Because here in Portsmouth, that’s how you become an outlaw.
